If I was ever on Desert Island Discs, I’d save RollerCoaster Tycoon and say a decent PC counts for the other 7 records. I love that game so much. I remember playing it for 13 hours straight on the Christmas day I got it.
So you would think the news of a RollerCoaster Tycoon Movie (http://www.aintitcool.com/node/45073) would warm my heart, and it sort of has. I’ve been fortunate enough to be given some leaked script extracts (that article says that it’s been written by David Ronn and Jay Scherick, but they give me reason to believe that some other famous ‘writer’ is behind it), which I’m being super ballsy by presenting to you now.
When silly ideas like this get announced, you don’t think the writers would pay much attention to the source material but I found what I’ve read to be extremely true to the original games, while crafting a unique story for this post-9/11 world. Expect these to be taken down over the coming days.
N.B. I’m sorry these can’t be produced in proper script format, but this is how they came to me in the e-mail. There were also some .jpgs of some sports cars with Autobot and Decepticon logos and a massive “3″ on all of them, but I’m sure that’s irrelevent.
int. flat. day.
A dirty flat, untidy, poorly kept.
The sound of keys jangling in the door, followed by it being flung open by a burly man in military fatigues. His name is ROLAND ‘ROLLER COASTER’ COAST, recently ex-marines.
He flops his kit bag onto the sofa and looks around.
ROLAND: If I’d known I’d have to tidy this up, I’d have stuck with hunting Osama. Oh yeah, I remember, I found and killed him already.
A knock on the open door. Military reflexes kicking in, Roland flings himself into the air and lands a flying kick straight in the face of the LAWYER standing there.
Another Lawyer, JAMES, pops his head around the corner.
JAMES: Roland Coast?
ROLAND: Who’s asking?
JAMES: James Lawson, of Lawson, Lawson and…
He looks on the floor at his colleague. Who’s stopped breathing. And living, probably.
JAMES: Just Lawson and Lawson associates.
ROLAND: What the fuck do you want?
JAMES: My firm represented your grandfather, Ivory.
ROLAND: Army’s my family. I don’t got no grandfather.
JAMES: Not any more you don’t. He left you quite a substantial inheritance.
ext. park. day.
ROLAND and JAMES stand in the very centre of a massive grass expanse. At least a couple of miles in every direction, surrounded by a six-foot high mesh fence along the perimeter
ROLAND: When you said substantial…
JAMES: Your grandfather left you this land and a single request – build the greatest theme park on this land.
ROLAND: A theme park? I don’t know where to begin?
JAMES: Well, Ivory had the sense to build a park entrance and a 100 yard concrete path leading from it; a couple of roller coasters here, some side stalls there.
ROLAND: Jihad.
JAMES: I’m sorry.
ROLAND: When I found Osama, in his cave, he was designing a roller coaster so good it makes Oblivion look like the teacups. He called it Jihad.
JAMES: Does he still own the rights?
ROLAND: Not since I owned him.
Close up on Roland.
ROLAND: Let’s ROLL!
MONTAGE – theme park set up
A fleet of trucks arrives at the park, laden with roller coaster pieces.
Each of them, almost by magic, snaps into place in sequence.
Toilet blocks spring up from the ground, followed by food stalls and drink stalls and balloon stalls. Lots of balloon stalls and each of the stalls sells a different colour balloon.
People queue up for miles outside the park entrance.
int. rolands’ office. day
Roland looks out over the park. It’s complete, save for one area.
James enters, followed by WHITE and CREAM, two black gangstas in security gear.
JAMES: We’re ready to open Roland. It’s your call.
ROLAND: Go for it.
WHITE: Yo cracka! We gonna bust a cap in this security shit, ya dig?
CREAM: Imma kick it hot like a jumbo hot dog when I’m bustin’ crims for bustin benches, nahwatamsayin?
ROLAND: I haven’t the foggiest what you are saying, actually. Get to work.
Roland presses a big button on his desk. A large crane, like the sort you get in crane games, emerges from the roof and picks White a Cream up by the scruffs of their necks. They get dragged out into the park and dropped randomly out in the park.
ROLAND (on park tannoy): And don’t you two idiots even think about straying out of your patrol zones!
JAMES: Roland – the guests?
ROLAND: Let’s ROLL!
JAMES: BOOM BABY!
ROLAND: LOCK AND LOAD!
ext. theme park. day
The red ribbon is cut and the guests pour into the park like Jews through the Red Sea.
One man in particular strides purposefully into the park. He’s wearing a turban, and is a TERRORIST.
He smiles.
The hordes of people walks around the park, flooding the paths – but none of them go into the blue-tiled ride queues.
int. rolands’ office. day
Roland looks at the ride queues.
ROLAND: No one’s getting on the rides, James!
James taps away at the computer on the desk like a nerd.
JAMES: That’s because the rides are all set to ‘testing’, Roland. Also, they all seem to be named after the type of ride they are followed by the number ‘1’.
ROLAND: How did this happen?
JAMES: Looks like you’ve got a lot to learn about being a roller coaster tycoon, Roland.
ROLAND: I’d better learn it soon, before we start work on Jihad.
A FEW MISSING PAGES LATER
Ext. jihad. day
Roland rushes up to Jihad, about to launch its inaugural ride. James rushes up behind.
JAMES: It’s too late, Roland!
ROLAND: I have to fix this! It’s all my fault; I should have finished Jihad and not left it trailing off directly into the central path!
Indeed, Jihad follows a winding track from the station, with twists and turns, culminating in the high drop the sends the train shooting towards a path full of people. Even though this is a glaringly obviously dangerous ride, people still queue for it and nobody seems to notice.
JAMES: You can’t stop it now – the ride will launch at 120mph, sending the train hurtling around the track until it inevitably kills thousands.
ROLAND: You… you’ve been in on this from the start!
JAMES: Don’t be so surprised!
ROLAND: Security!
White and Cream show out, yelling stereotypes about busting caps and how illiterate they are.
WHITE: What’s cracking?
CREAM: Yo niggas!
JAMES: Will you two shut up?
ROLAND: Escort this man off the premises at once.
Somehow, there’s a security low-rider nearby. It hops up and down. Whitey says something a white person would expect a black person to say.
They capture James and put him in the back and drive off.
Roland looks at the Jihad train.
The Arabic Engineer, his face obscured by his turban, sits in the front seat.
ROLAND: Shit just got REAL! Let’s ROLL! LOCK AND LOAD!
He runs towards the ride and dives onto the back of the train just as it leaves the station
A FEW MISSING PAGES LATER
Fucking everything is blowing up around the ride. I mean, shit, there’s like, explosions and shit everywhere.
The Engineer sits calmly at the front of the Jihad train. Everyone else has been shot or exploded except Roland, bruised, clothes ripped, who clings to the car behind the Engineer.
He points his gun.
ROLAND: Why couldn’t you stay dead, Osama?
Because it’s totally Osama Bin Laden PLOT TWIST!
ROLAND: I thought I killed you.
OSAMA (turning around): You would think a 90 foot drop from a low flying plane would kill me…
The car comes up to the final climb before the final big drop that leads to the paths where all the people are trapped. The final climb is about 90 feet high.
OSAMA: …maybe this time it’ll stick. For Allah!
ROLAND: Why, Osama? Why did you put a no entry sign in front of the park entrance and cut off all paths leading off of the central path then get me to build Jihad so it would launch this very car directly down that path? Why?
OSAMA: For Allah, I just said. Also, look who’s here.
Roland looks down – there’s THE FUCKING PRESIDENT, with his family and security team. Even though there’s vast expenses of grass around them, THE FUCKING PRESIDENTS’ entourage won’t get off the path.
ROLAND: You monster!
The train nears the top of the climb.
OSAMA: I designed this drop to take precisely ten seconds to reach the bottom. It’ll take five seconds for it to reach THE FUCKING PRESIDENT. Is fifteen seconds long enough for you to save the world?
ROLAND: Are you kidding? I’ll do it in five.
A FEW MISSING PAGES LATER.
The train comes to a halt at the very last part of the Jihad track. Roland throws Osama out, tied up several times, and he lands in front of THE FUCKING PRESIDENT.
ROLAND: Ten seconds – I’m too old for this shit. Book him, Barack. LOCK AND LOAD!
An American flag is superimposed over the end credits, which are set to LINKIN PARK. Oh yeah, the whole film is set to Hybrid Theory playing on a loop.
THE END
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